jacobus

a tribute to sam

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 11:37:04 GMT

i apologise. for being unable to give you a good home. for being unable to offer you companionship. for having to send you to another home. whilst destiny allowed our paths to cross. fate saw to it that it did not last. may you find joy in your new home.

a blog style rant.

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 05:36:08 GMT

my theory on friendships.

my take is that they aren't entirely necessary. we are prone to having such relationships with other people is due to the fact that we used to be herding animals (note: hairy ass chimps). and we find friends/groups/cliques because it gives us a sense of security and in a group, more strength is gathered. hence explaining why little kids can be total pricks when they are with their buddies. this can also be translated into gangs, mobs, whatever.

But that doesnt mean that the monkey with the most friends wins. this monkey is prone to have more "friends" that only bother with their bananas instead of lending a helping hand in times of need. so why bother ? to take pride in : hey! i've got a gazillion friends on my friendster list! how cool is that? its a totally pointless thing. how many of those peoples' last names do you know? im on facebook entirely because it provides some work time fun with all those applications. heh.

even in a small groups this stupid chimp is unsafe. there are those out there. waiting to steal his mate/bananas/nuts. he might get hit in the head with a coconut. so there is no security in that as well. wow.

what about your mate? surely u can depend on her? nope. the mate would complain about u not bringing enough nuts home. or not eating the ticks off her fur. she might even run off with another chimp with bigger bananas.

the cut? you are screwed. there is no safe house. no refuge. what to do ? steal all nuts. kill all chimps with big bananas.

just a fun oriented post.

gran turino

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 07:32:10 GMT

watch it. its good.

kinda got me thinking. how would i be remembered when i kick the bucket. the old stooge ? the grumpy old fart? or just gramps. i hope for more.

currently my life is a total mess. a monotoned sort of structured mess. out of my control. conformed to how a good "employee" should be. meet this standard, its your duty. no room no compromise. restricted. i can live with it. at least show me that there is meaning in all this. no lies please.

uncertain is the word to discribe this time. a time to look forward to. the end of my tour of duty. yet. a fear of the huge enigma that lies after. fear of the loss of direction. the fear of all my plans and hopes failing on me. but anytime is better than now. what will i do. the start of the rest of my life awaits.

kindred spirit? UP YOURS

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 01:26:05 GMT

you stupid cow. self-centered. shitface. fake-christian mofo.

he's your dad. FUCK.

think only of yourself. so burn in your fucking hell.

to think i liked you as a child. im a fucking nitwit.

blood is thicker than water. take that confucious shit up your sorry ass bitch.

Hopeless
Egocentric
Loser
Elephant
Nitwit

thats you. fuck

as if it wasnt enough

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:20:38 GMT

everything feels so empty suddenly. a long break gone totally wrong. i didnt plan for it yet it just appeared by mistake. no fun at all.

i dont feel like doing anything at all period.

i feel so annoyed/remorseful/hateful for all the people do to me/the wrongs i've did/the shit that im going through.

to hear things i dont wanna hear. to do wat i shouldnt have. to see what should have never been.

i wanna be left alone. and i'm thrown into the deepest recesses of solitude. trapped by my troubled fading mind.

wasting away like decaying flesh.

not what i wanted.

shiver and sweat

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 12:07:37 GMT

miserable.
why do you do this to me

giving up so much.
when will it be enough.

for none other.

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 12:35:16 GMT

things never turn how you want it to be.
the great weekend you look forward to. the holiday you planned so carefully. the dreamy state you get into when you plan anything, is just something to set you up for further disappointment. nothings goes as planned. it sucks.

that aside. let me get to this entry proper.

i'm not the best, i know. very well in fact. i'm not what i wish to be that you have in mind. even though you say otherwise. i just feel that you dont think feel that way. i have much to learn. and much to change. to suit you? partially. but also to suit what i want myself to be for you. a provider. a shelter. a pillar. a confidante. a love.

all that i want to be. may not be what i can be. but i'm working on it.

my habits, my faults, my sins, my skeletons. i wish them away. damn me. for they are ghosts that never leave. this battle is long and hard.

a promise i give. but i hope its not too little recieved.

people are so strange. and time is a jackass.

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:13:21 GMT

of all the jerks i've met.
time is the worst.
making good times end quicker. and bad ones last forever.
sheesh.

some people are crazy. stupid. or pure evil.
they relish torturing their subordinates with lies, mind-screwing, laws, doctrines, common understanding from god knows who. how can a common understanding come from people conjured up. its a cult, my friend once said. they believe in resurrection, teleports, and control of weather. and im just one of the little furry animals they'll sacrifice to their cultic leader. i bet im being watched now.

the other theys relish in showing off and being super prick-like in meaningless things. look at my clothes! they are pressed and folded perfectly. see how my biceps protrude out from it. im tougher than you! ha! (says in a gruffy low voice) well i have to let u in on something. u are one of those furry sacrifices as well. only that your ugly and stupid.

well so much for now. im returning to see the retards. (yay! claps my hands with glee)

oh and thank you solender and kushina for commenting. made me feel better that at least someone was reading.

whee

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 05:19:05 GMT

fairy-tales and love songs are nice and all.
but happy endings dont exist.
its all a lie to give hope to your feeble existence.

kill me please.

what am i ?

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:28:16 GMT

what am i.

a boy?
a young adult?
a soldier?
duty bound?
moral bound?
a loved one?
a lover?
acountable?
a customer?
a slave?
responsible for you?
obedient?
your future?
a stranger?
lost?

i am all of these. and none of these. by choice. by obligation. by fate. by luck. by chance. everyone of these and more. but that doesnt change anything. i am what i am. no matter. why? must i abide. when it does not matter? why must i care? when everyone else doesnt? why must i worry? when it doesnt matter? why do i do? when no one cares. when appreciation is absent? why must i give up? for those that dont care. dont bother. even you. at times. i toll for naught? sacrifice for a reason. what is my reason. where is my reward? where is the promised? where is my solace? where is my rest?

let me be.